![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elisheva_mThere were two sides to my year. I've learned a lot about Thai culture, language and how they tell their stories through television and film. That has been wonderful but also very very lonely and isolating. I want to share but it's not like anyone has the time or interest. Everyone is busy with their own things, and fannish folk give themselves so much extra busyness too. It's been rough going to learn yet again that my preferences and needs are so far beyond peculiar in the parts of the real and online worlds I have language access to, but in the end it's not like that matters to anyone except me.
This year I also made the mistake of being more open on social media about the limitations chronic physical illness and disability impose on me and their consequences on my mental health. That was so incredibly foolish of me. I know how badly it fails in real life, how incomprehensible these things are to everyone else, and how uncomfortable people are with the insoluble problems of chronic illness. I really should have known it could only fail online too even if their reactions were hidden to me for longer. It was a mistake to read posts about finding your people by being yourself and hope it might work for me. But I've also learned that when I write about myself it will be misread as criticism of those who can do what I can't, so hey it's great being yourself works for so many. I wish it could work for me too. This isn't criticism of you, it's envy.
So those are the two sides to my year. Going deeper into learning about something I really love and wanting to share it with others, and social media making it beyond clear how much of my life and myself I aren't worth talking about.
Looks like I've written too much again. Will give myself this one night though, for the end of the year, because it's shaped so much of it. Just ignore everything about me that makes you uncomfortable. I'll close it off again tomorrow.
This year I also made the mistake of being more open on social media about the limitations chronic physical illness and disability impose on me and their consequences on my mental health. That was so incredibly foolish of me. I know how badly it fails in real life, how incomprehensible these things are to everyone else, and how uncomfortable people are with the insoluble problems of chronic illness. I really should have known it could only fail online too even if their reactions were hidden to me for longer. It was a mistake to read posts about finding your people by being yourself and hope it might work for me. But I've also learned that when I write about myself it will be misread as criticism of those who can do what I can't, so hey it's great being yourself works for so many. I wish it could work for me too. This isn't criticism of you, it's envy.
So those are the two sides to my year. Going deeper into learning about something I really love and wanting to share it with others, and social media making it beyond clear how much of my life and myself I aren't worth talking about.
Looks like I've written too much again. Will give myself this one night though, for the end of the year, because it's shaped so much of it. Just ignore everything about me that makes you uncomfortable. I'll close it off again tomorrow.
