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elisheva_mmy ability to concentrate is plummeting again and along with it to retain short term information. Feels like a new low and from what i can recall of previous times it may well be. Certainly the baseline is lower than a decade ago.
It was clear in the last series I watched, Home School, which had a lot of mystery and I'd realise I'd forgotten what was said 15 seconds before even though my mind hadn't wandered. I would be paying attention for the clues - it wasn't labyrinthine, I knew nearly all of the actors going in and those I didn't were easily distinguished, plot was unpredictable but not hard to follow - and then I'd realise I had no recollection of what was just said. It was higher stress than most Thai series, and it didn't have the ebb and flow I've gotten used to, where its stress and big emotions are mitigated by other things. (Cortisol, cortisol, cortisol v cortisol oxytocin cortisol oxytocin kind of pattern.)
That didn't help but it's happening elsewhere too of course. But I'm so conditioned to not talk about most of those now because everyone will just compare it with their lives. Oh it's just being clumsy, they're clumsy too ha ha. No, it's my brain not connecting with my leg. They feel different. But if you've only experienced one, how do you understand the other? Why is it so difficult for others to just grasp that my brain and body are broken?
Anyway, I'm struggling with series now. Rhythm of Life was fantastic youth lakorn and I realised during it I wasn't giving it the attention its quality merits. Didn't especially get on with Dear Doctor I'm Coming for Soul but I don't know how much was it, or it being medical lakorn with repeating episodic sadnesses, and how much is my increasing failings. I know they contributed and given what I know I missed in Home School, maybe it was entirely me. Or is that just one more example of me very firmly back in my old pattern of shouldering all of the blame when things go wrong?
If I lose this last thing, whatever the reason, how am I going to fill the hours?
(fuck it, forgot the disclaimer. i'm going to get myself in so much trouble. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry.)
Please note: This is in no way, shape or form a criticism of those who are capable of doing all the things I'm not. This is solely about me and my difficulties.
I also realise it's not what people want to read and it's breaking social norms to post this here or talk about it publicly. I'll probably come back and delete it too. I know there will be a social cost but sometimes the silencing myself is too much to bear.
It was clear in the last series I watched, Home School, which had a lot of mystery and I'd realise I'd forgotten what was said 15 seconds before even though my mind hadn't wandered. I would be paying attention for the clues - it wasn't labyrinthine, I knew nearly all of the actors going in and those I didn't were easily distinguished, plot was unpredictable but not hard to follow - and then I'd realise I had no recollection of what was just said. It was higher stress than most Thai series, and it didn't have the ebb and flow I've gotten used to, where its stress and big emotions are mitigated by other things. (Cortisol, cortisol, cortisol v cortisol oxytocin cortisol oxytocin kind of pattern.)
That didn't help but it's happening elsewhere too of course. But I'm so conditioned to not talk about most of those now because everyone will just compare it with their lives. Oh it's just being clumsy, they're clumsy too ha ha. No, it's my brain not connecting with my leg. They feel different. But if you've only experienced one, how do you understand the other? Why is it so difficult for others to just grasp that my brain and body are broken?
Anyway, I'm struggling with series now. Rhythm of Life was fantastic youth lakorn and I realised during it I wasn't giving it the attention its quality merits. Didn't especially get on with Dear Doctor I'm Coming for Soul but I don't know how much was it, or it being medical lakorn with repeating episodic sadnesses, and how much is my increasing failings. I know they contributed and given what I know I missed in Home School, maybe it was entirely me. Or is that just one more example of me very firmly back in my old pattern of shouldering all of the blame when things go wrong?
If I lose this last thing, whatever the reason, how am I going to fill the hours?
(fuck it, forgot the disclaimer. i'm going to get myself in so much trouble. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry.)
Please note: This is in no way, shape or form a criticism of those who are capable of doing all the things I'm not. This is solely about me and my difficulties.
I also realise it's not what people want to read and it's breaking social norms to post this here or talk about it publicly. I'll probably come back and delete it too. I know there will be a social cost but sometimes the silencing myself is too much to bear.
