looking for Thai & JFilm friends

This is part of a lakorn (Thai melodrama) I'm writing. It's early on, around the 3rd chapter/episode.
These are useful things to know:
It's set in Thailand because lakorn.
Ratree (Rah-tree), the FL, has a very different life than what she describes. Don't worry about that.
Ti is a short form of her name.
Faen is girl/boyfriend. It's gender neutral.
Yai is maternal grandmother
A haawm หอม is a SE Asian way of expressing affection. It's like a kiss, but with nose and breath instead of lips, and can be anything from innocent to not.
Bpai ไป means to go or leave. Thai grammar runs on vibes and context, so this can mean Let's leave together. Subtitles would likely render my use at the end as "Let's go," but that has a different feel and I wanted the simplicity of ไป. It is very much what someone would say in Thai dialogue.

The friend who read this missed what I had hoped to convey in the last two paragraphs, so I'm interested in finding out how others read it. I've added a bit but it also needs to be understated. So I just want to know what you make of it please. It will help me find a good balance.

(Edit: Am interested more in how the vibes and emotions read than understanding of facts.)

( Read more... )