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A short story. Comments welcome. This version is an attempt to give more interiority to the characters, albeit through external indications than inner thoughts because of their situation. I feel it's become too soft in the process just through the added detail. A partial return to the earlier, starker version is above.
Two men cautiously enter an abandoned industrial building. One leans heavily on the other, unable to bear his weight on an injured leg.
The healthy man looks around and spots stairs in the corner. "Over there." He speaks in hushed tones, alert to the danger they are in. Together they make their way across the floor and slowly climb, one cautious step at a time.
He guides his companion to a closed off area on the upper floor and helps him sit. The injured man grimaces in pain but remains silent.
"Wait here. I'll find somewhere more secure." He leaves the space and walks warily around the open area, scanning the room, all shadows and the white blue glare of industrial lighting filtering through the grime on the windows. He picks up a metal pipe.
In a dark corner he spots a ladder bolted onto the wall. Some rungs are damaged by rust but he finds enough are sound he can climb to a hatch in the ceiling.
The hatch sticks briefly before it opens. Two more rungs and he's able to look around the space above it. The only light comes through vented windows. The air is stale and close but this will do. He lays the pipe on the attic floor.
He gingerly makes his way back down and across the open area to his companion. "Come," he says gently. "One more push and you can rest." He kneels next to him and puts an arm under his shoulders to help him stand. The injured man nods weakly, then leans against him for a moment before rising.
"It's in that corner." The healthy man nods in the direction they need to go. "You can do it." They cross to the ladder, their progress slowed as they negotiate their way around accumulated debris. "Up there. We'll be safe." Then, "lean against me. I'll brace you." He moves behind the injured man. They both take hold of the sides of the ladder. Digging deep within himself, the injured man hauls himself up, rung by rung, his companion steadying and lifting him.
A rusted rung gives way. "I've got you," he says.
They complete their climb. The injured man collapses on the floor of the attic. His breath is unsteady, his voice shaky. "I won't be doing that again."
His companion holds onto him. "I'll take care of you," he whispers.
( continued )
Two men cautiously enter an abandoned industrial building. One leans heavily on the other, unable to bear his weight on an injured leg.
The healthy man looks around and spots stairs in the corner. "Over there." He speaks in hushed tones, alert to the danger they are in. Together they make their way across the floor and slowly climb, one cautious step at a time.
He guides his companion to a closed off area on the upper floor and helps him sit. The injured man grimaces in pain but remains silent.
"Wait here. I'll find somewhere more secure." He leaves the space and walks warily around the open area, scanning the room, all shadows and the white blue glare of industrial lighting filtering through the grime on the windows. He picks up a metal pipe.
In a dark corner he spots a ladder bolted onto the wall. Some rungs are damaged by rust but he finds enough are sound he can climb to a hatch in the ceiling.
The hatch sticks briefly before it opens. Two more rungs and he's able to look around the space above it. The only light comes through vented windows. The air is stale and close but this will do. He lays the pipe on the attic floor.
He gingerly makes his way back down and across the open area to his companion. "Come," he says gently. "One more push and you can rest." He kneels next to him and puts an arm under his shoulders to help him stand. The injured man nods weakly, then leans against him for a moment before rising.
"It's in that corner." The healthy man nods in the direction they need to go. "You can do it." They cross to the ladder, their progress slowed as they negotiate their way around accumulated debris. "Up there. We'll be safe." Then, "lean against me. I'll brace you." He moves behind the injured man. They both take hold of the sides of the ladder. Digging deep within himself, the injured man hauls himself up, rung by rung, his companion steadying and lifting him.
A rusted rung gives way. "I've got you," he says.
They complete their climb. The injured man collapses on the floor of the attic. His breath is unsteady, his voice shaky. "I won't be doing that again."
His companion holds onto him. "I'll take care of you," he whispers.
( continued )
