Impressions please!
28 Mar 2025 07:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elisheva_mThis is part of a lakorn (Thai melodrama) I'm writing. It's early on, around the 3rd chapter/episode.
These are useful things to know:
It's set in Thailand because lakorn.
Ratree (Rah-tree), the FL, has a very different life than what she describes. Don't worry about that.
Ti is a short form of her name.
Faen is girl/boyfriend. It's gender neutral.
Yai is maternal grandmother
A haawm หอม is a SE Asian way of expressing affection. It's like a kiss, but with nose and breath instead of lips, and can be anything from innocent to not.
Bpai ไป means to go or leave. Thai grammar runs on vibes and context, so this can mean Let's leave together. Subtitles would likely render my use at the end as "Let's go," but that has a different feel and I wanted the simplicity of ไป. It is very much what someone would say in Thai dialogue.
The friend who read this missed what I had hoped to convey in the last two paragraphs, so I'm interested in finding out how others read it. I've added a bit but it also needs to be understated. So I just want to know what you make of it please. It will help me find a good balance.
(Edit: Am interested more in how the vibes and emotions read than understanding of facts.)
********
When the pair at the pool table finish their game, Prai turns to her friend and suggests they find a fourth for doubles. Ratree laughs. “You and me against…” She looks around the room.
Win puts his arm around his faen. “Oh no, Ti. I’m not playing against Prai. I don’t like losing.”
They all laugh. “Alright then, who can we persuade to suffer alongside me?” Ratree jokes.
“I’ll join,” a man they haven’t seen before says.
He seems alright enough. They agree to let him join their game.
They lose, of course. Few can beat Prai and Ratree was off her game. He kept standing uncomfortably near. She’d move away and he’d be by her side before her next shot. “Bit too close, puan,” she said, putting Win in between them. But then he was back again.
After the teams shake hands and pay the wager, Ratree says the polite things to the stranger and heads for the women’s restroom.
When she returns, Win is cheerfully talking at him, arm around his shoulders like they were old friends, their backs to the restroom door. Win can talk for days and will be enjoying the opportunity of a captive audience. Prai hands them both whisky doubles. She’s going to get him drunk. Ratree laughs to herself at their way of looking out for her. Good vibe in the place, she really doesn’t want to leave.
Someone else catches her eye. She’s caught his. They smile at each other. Yes, there’s definitely a good vibe here tonight.
The tables are all taken so they sit at the bar, nursing their drinks and getting to know each other.
He works with teens who’ve run into trouble, trying to help them get on a better path. Getting them the specialised support they need, like tutoring, counselling and addressing their addictions. Believing in them no matter what and hoping they might start to believe in themselves as well. It’s hard to see them find reasons to return to their familiar habits, but when one of them succeeds, that’s the best.
She works part time in a shop, looks after her ailing yai, and potters about writing a novel in the evening. No, he can’t read it. It’s not very good.
“I really like you,” he tells her. “But I’ll be honest. My head is in a bad place. I’m not fit to start anything new just now.”
She reaches out to touch his arm lightly. She likes him too. And her life means she’ll never be fit to start anything with anyone.
He takes a deep breath. “If it’s not too rude to ask, it’s been a while. I know I’ll mess up a relationship but I’d really like to make a woman happy again. I’d like to think I’m still good at it.” His face is a fascinating mix of earnestness, hope and confidence trying to find its way out again.
If this is a line, if this is a lie, it’s the sweetest she’s heard.
Her smile is warm and inviting. “I think you probably are.” His confidence brightens.
He hesitates as he leans towards her, reaching out a hand to ever so lightly brush a finger down the side of her face and following it with a lingering haawm, slowly breathing in her scent from her ear to her jaw, setting her nerves tingling with the sensation. He brushes his finger up the centre of her chin and over her lips and then brings his to hers in the lightest of kisses, barely touching, just breathing together while time stops.
He has her full attention. “Bpai,” she murmurs, her voice soft and low. Come.
These are useful things to know:
It's set in Thailand because lakorn.
Ratree (Rah-tree), the FL, has a very different life than what she describes. Don't worry about that.
Ti is a short form of her name.
Faen is girl/boyfriend. It's gender neutral.
Yai is maternal grandmother
A haawm หอม is a SE Asian way of expressing affection. It's like a kiss, but with nose and breath instead of lips, and can be anything from innocent to not.
Bpai ไป means to go or leave. Thai grammar runs on vibes and context, so this can mean Let's leave together. Subtitles would likely render my use at the end as "Let's go," but that has a different feel and I wanted the simplicity of ไป. It is very much what someone would say in Thai dialogue.
The friend who read this missed what I had hoped to convey in the last two paragraphs, so I'm interested in finding out how others read it. I've added a bit but it also needs to be understated. So I just want to know what you make of it please. It will help me find a good balance.
(Edit: Am interested more in how the vibes and emotions read than understanding of facts.)
********
When the pair at the pool table finish their game, Prai turns to her friend and suggests they find a fourth for doubles. Ratree laughs. “You and me against…” She looks around the room.
Win puts his arm around his faen. “Oh no, Ti. I’m not playing against Prai. I don’t like losing.”
They all laugh. “Alright then, who can we persuade to suffer alongside me?” Ratree jokes.
“I’ll join,” a man they haven’t seen before says.
He seems alright enough. They agree to let him join their game.
They lose, of course. Few can beat Prai and Ratree was off her game. He kept standing uncomfortably near. She’d move away and he’d be by her side before her next shot. “Bit too close, puan,” she said, putting Win in between them. But then he was back again.
After the teams shake hands and pay the wager, Ratree says the polite things to the stranger and heads for the women’s restroom.
When she returns, Win is cheerfully talking at him, arm around his shoulders like they were old friends, their backs to the restroom door. Win can talk for days and will be enjoying the opportunity of a captive audience. Prai hands them both whisky doubles. She’s going to get him drunk. Ratree laughs to herself at their way of looking out for her. Good vibe in the place, she really doesn’t want to leave.
Someone else catches her eye. She’s caught his. They smile at each other. Yes, there’s definitely a good vibe here tonight.
The tables are all taken so they sit at the bar, nursing their drinks and getting to know each other.
He works with teens who’ve run into trouble, trying to help them get on a better path. Getting them the specialised support they need, like tutoring, counselling and addressing their addictions. Believing in them no matter what and hoping they might start to believe in themselves as well. It’s hard to see them find reasons to return to their familiar habits, but when one of them succeeds, that’s the best.
She works part time in a shop, looks after her ailing yai, and potters about writing a novel in the evening. No, he can’t read it. It’s not very good.
“I really like you,” he tells her. “But I’ll be honest. My head is in a bad place. I’m not fit to start anything new just now.”
She reaches out to touch his arm lightly. She likes him too. And her life means she’ll never be fit to start anything with anyone.
He takes a deep breath. “If it’s not too rude to ask, it’s been a while. I know I’ll mess up a relationship but I’d really like to make a woman happy again. I’d like to think I’m still good at it.” His face is a fascinating mix of earnestness, hope and confidence trying to find its way out again.
If this is a line, if this is a lie, it’s the sweetest she’s heard.
Her smile is warm and inviting. “I think you probably are.” His confidence brightens.
He hesitates as he leans towards her, reaching out a hand to ever so lightly brush a finger down the side of her face and following it with a lingering haawm, slowly breathing in her scent from her ear to her jaw, setting her nerves tingling with the sensation. He brushes his finger up the centre of her chin and over her lips and then brings his to hers in the lightest of kisses, barely touching, just breathing together while time stops.
He has her full attention. “Bpai,” she murmurs, her voice soft and low. Come.
