Impressions please!
28 Mar 2025 07:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elisheva_mThis is part of a lakorn (Thai melodrama) I'm writing. It's early on, around the 3rd chapter/episode.
These are useful things to know:
It's set in Thailand because lakorn.
Ratree (Rah-tree), the FL, has a very different life than what she describes. Don't worry about that.
Ti is a short form of her name.
Faen is girl/boyfriend. It's gender neutral.
Yai is maternal grandmother
A haawm หอม is a SE Asian way of expressing affection. It's like a kiss, but with nose and breath instead of lips, and can be anything from innocent to not.
Bpai ไป means to go or leave. Thai grammar runs on vibes and context, so this can mean Let's leave together. Subtitles would likely render my use at the end as "Let's go," but that has a different feel and I wanted the simplicity of ไป. It is very much what someone would say in Thai dialogue.
The friend who read this missed what I had hoped to convey in the last two paragraphs, so I'm interested in finding out how others read it. I've added a bit but it also needs to be understated. So I just want to know what you make of it please. It will help me find a good balance.
(Edit: Am interested more in how the vibes and emotions read than understanding of facts.)
********
When the pair at the pool table finish their game, Prai turns to her friend and suggests they find a fourth for doubles. Ratree laughs. “You and me against…” She looks around the room.
Win puts his arm around his faen. “Oh no, Ti. I’m not playing against Prai. I don’t like losing.”
They all laugh. “Alright then, who can we persuade to suffer alongside me?” Ratree jokes.
“I’ll join,” a man they haven’t seen before says.
He seems alright enough. They agree to let him join their game.
They lose, of course. Few can beat Prai and Ratree was off her game. He kept standing uncomfortably near. She’d move away and he’d be by her side before her next shot. “Bit too close, puan,” she said, putting Win in between them. But then he was back again.
After the teams shake hands and pay the wager, Ratree says the polite things to the stranger and heads for the women’s restroom.
When she returns, Win is cheerfully talking at him, arm around his shoulders like they were old friends, their backs to the restroom door. Win can talk for days and will be enjoying the opportunity of a captive audience. Prai hands them both whisky doubles. She’s going to get him drunk. Ratree laughs to herself at their way of looking out for her. Good vibe in the place, she really doesn’t want to leave.
Someone else catches her eye. She’s caught his. They smile at each other. Yes, there’s definitely a good vibe here tonight.
The tables are all taken so they sit at the bar, nursing their drinks and getting to know each other.
He works with teens who’ve run into trouble, trying to help them get on a better path. Getting them the specialised support they need, like tutoring, counselling and addressing their addictions. Believing in them no matter what and hoping they might start to believe in themselves as well. It’s hard to see them find reasons to return to their familiar habits, but when one of them succeeds, that’s the best.
She works part time in a shop, looks after her ailing yai, and potters about writing a novel in the evening. No, he can’t read it. It’s not very good.
“I really like you,” he tells her. “But I’ll be honest. My head is in a bad place. I’m not fit to start anything new just now.”
She reaches out to touch his arm lightly. She likes him too. And her life means she’ll never be fit to start anything with anyone.
He takes a deep breath. “If it’s not too rude to ask, it’s been a while. I know I’ll mess up a relationship but I’d really like to make a woman happy again. I’d like to think I’m still good at it.” His face is a fascinating mix of earnestness, hope and confidence trying to find its way out again.
If this is a line, if this is a lie, it’s the sweetest she’s heard.
Her smile is warm and inviting. “I think you probably are.” His confidence brightens.
He hesitates as he leans towards her, reaching out a hand to ever so lightly brush a finger down the side of her face and following it with a lingering haawm, slowly breathing in her scent from her ear to her jaw, setting her nerves tingling with the sensation. He brushes his finger up the centre of her chin and over her lips and then brings his to hers in the lightest of kisses, barely touching, just breathing together while time stops.
He has her full attention. “Bpai,” she murmurs, her voice soft and low. Come.
These are useful things to know:
It's set in Thailand because lakorn.
Ratree (Rah-tree), the FL, has a very different life than what she describes. Don't worry about that.
Ti is a short form of her name.
Faen is girl/boyfriend. It's gender neutral.
Yai is maternal grandmother
A haawm หอม is a SE Asian way of expressing affection. It's like a kiss, but with nose and breath instead of lips, and can be anything from innocent to not.
Bpai ไป means to go or leave. Thai grammar runs on vibes and context, so this can mean Let's leave together. Subtitles would likely render my use at the end as "Let's go," but that has a different feel and I wanted the simplicity of ไป. It is very much what someone would say in Thai dialogue.
The friend who read this missed what I had hoped to convey in the last two paragraphs, so I'm interested in finding out how others read it. I've added a bit but it also needs to be understated. So I just want to know what you make of it please. It will help me find a good balance.
(Edit: Am interested more in how the vibes and emotions read than understanding of facts.)
********
When the pair at the pool table finish their game, Prai turns to her friend and suggests they find a fourth for doubles. Ratree laughs. “You and me against…” She looks around the room.
Win puts his arm around his faen. “Oh no, Ti. I’m not playing against Prai. I don’t like losing.”
They all laugh. “Alright then, who can we persuade to suffer alongside me?” Ratree jokes.
“I’ll join,” a man they haven’t seen before says.
He seems alright enough. They agree to let him join their game.
They lose, of course. Few can beat Prai and Ratree was off her game. He kept standing uncomfortably near. She’d move away and he’d be by her side before her next shot. “Bit too close, puan,” she said, putting Win in between them. But then he was back again.
After the teams shake hands and pay the wager, Ratree says the polite things to the stranger and heads for the women’s restroom.
When she returns, Win is cheerfully talking at him, arm around his shoulders like they were old friends, their backs to the restroom door. Win can talk for days and will be enjoying the opportunity of a captive audience. Prai hands them both whisky doubles. She’s going to get him drunk. Ratree laughs to herself at their way of looking out for her. Good vibe in the place, she really doesn’t want to leave.
Someone else catches her eye. She’s caught his. They smile at each other. Yes, there’s definitely a good vibe here tonight.
The tables are all taken so they sit at the bar, nursing their drinks and getting to know each other.
He works with teens who’ve run into trouble, trying to help them get on a better path. Getting them the specialised support they need, like tutoring, counselling and addressing their addictions. Believing in them no matter what and hoping they might start to believe in themselves as well. It’s hard to see them find reasons to return to their familiar habits, but when one of them succeeds, that’s the best.
She works part time in a shop, looks after her ailing yai, and potters about writing a novel in the evening. No, he can’t read it. It’s not very good.
“I really like you,” he tells her. “But I’ll be honest. My head is in a bad place. I’m not fit to start anything new just now.”
She reaches out to touch his arm lightly. She likes him too. And her life means she’ll never be fit to start anything with anyone.
He takes a deep breath. “If it’s not too rude to ask, it’s been a while. I know I’ll mess up a relationship but I’d really like to make a woman happy again. I’d like to think I’m still good at it.” His face is a fascinating mix of earnestness, hope and confidence trying to find its way out again.
If this is a line, if this is a lie, it’s the sweetest she’s heard.
Her smile is warm and inviting. “I think you probably are.” His confidence brightens.
He hesitates as he leans towards her, reaching out a hand to ever so lightly brush a finger down the side of her face and following it with a lingering haawm, slowly breathing in her scent from her ear to her jaw, setting her nerves tingling with the sensation. He brushes his finger up the centre of her chin and over her lips and then brings his to hers in the lightest of kisses, barely touching, just breathing together while time stops.
He has her full attention. “Bpai,” she murmurs, her voice soft and low. Come.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-31 10:17 am (UTC)When the pair at the pool table finish their game, the woman Ratree is talking with suggests they find a fourth for doubles. Ratree laughs. “You and me against…” She looks around the room.
Characters in this paragraph: Ratree, Talking Woman, Pool Table Pair. Because Ratree describes the person she's talking to as "the woman [she] is talking with", this description in English makes me think that the person is a woman Ratree has only just met and doesn't know very well. However, later descriptions of Talking Woman (Prai) make me think she is a long term friend to Ratree.
Win puts his arm around his faen. “Oh no, Ti. I’m not playing against Prai. I don’t like losing.”
I looked up 'faen' - assuming it means girlfriend here. Characters in this paragraph: Win, Prai (Win's faen, Talking Woman from previous paragraph), Ratree/Ti. Prai is a good pool player.
“I’ll join,” a man they haven’t seen before says.
Characters now: Win, Prai, Ratree, Pool Man.
They lose, of course. Few can beat Prai and Ratree was off her game. He kept standing uncomfortably near. She’d move away and he’d be by her side before her next shot. “Bit too close, puan,” she said, putting Win in between them. But then he was back again.
Interpretation: Win and Prai just played pool against Ratree and Pool Man. Ratree lost because Prai is very good, Ratree is off her game, and Pool Man kept making her physically uncomfortable as if he's hitting on her.
Win is cheerfully talking at him, arm around his shoulders like they were old friends, their backs to the restroom door. Win can talk for days and will be enjoying the opportunity of a captive audience. Prai hands them both whisky doubles. She’s going to get him drunk.
Interpretation: Win and Prai are trying to save Ratree from Pool Man by talking to him and getting him drunk. At first I wanted to read a sinister implication that Prai wants Pool Man drunk to take advantage of him, but it seems like she is just getting him drunk to distract him from harassing Ratree. This description also makes it seem like Ratree has been friends with Win and Prai for some time, since she knows their personality and the reasons behind their actions.
Someone else catches her eye. She’s caught his. They smile at each other. Yes, there’s definitely a good vibe here tonight.
My interpretation: "Someone Else" is a new male character, not related to Pool Table Pair or Pool Man. I'll call him S.E.
He works with teens who’ve run into trouble, trying to help them get on a better path. Getting them the specialised support they need, like tutoring, counselling and addressing their addictions. Believing in them no matter what and hoping they might start to believe in themselves as well. It’s hard to see them find reasons to return to their familiar habits, but when one of them succeeds, that’s the best.
Interpretation: S.E. is talking about his job to Ratree and she likes what she hears.
He takes a deep breath. “If it’s not too rude to ask, it’s been a while. I know I’ll mess up a relationship but I’d really like to make a woman happy again. I’d like to think I’m still good at it.” His face is a fascinating mix of earnestness, hope and confidence trying to find its way out again.
Interpretation: S.E. wants a one night stand with Ratree, not a relationship. Ratree is also interested in a one night stand with him (from her next line, if this is a lie, it’s the sweetest she’s heard).
Reading this part, I felt like Win, Prai, and Pool Man had mysteriously disappeared from the story. Would Prai still be looking out for Ratree and this new man, trying to help her friend? Did Win and Prai decide to go home? Is Pool Man passed out drunk from whiskey? Was there meant to be something supernatural or mysterious happening that caused Ratree's focus to now be completely on S.E. and ignoring Win and Prai?
The narrative has become very closed in at this point, limited to only 'she' and 'he' pronouns, without even Ratree using her name.
He hesitates as he leans towards her, reaching out a hand to ever so lightly brush a finger down the side of her face and following it with a lingering haawm, slowly breathing in her scent from her ear to her jaw, setting her nerves tingling with the sensation. He brushes his finger up the centre of her chin and over her lips and then brings his to hers in the lightest of kisses, barely touching, just breathing together while time stops.
This description is sensual, but it also feels more like a deeper/romantic connection than just a one night stand. I think that is because of the "breathing together" description, as if not just their bodies but personalities are synchronising.
He has her full attention. “Bpai,” she murmurs, her voice soft and low. Come.
I read the final one word sentence as a translated double innuendo in English, relating to their decision to have a one night stand.
This feels like an interesting story set in the modern world about a character who knows what she wants and is expecting to have an enjoyable one night stand.
no subject
Date: 2025-04-01 10:10 pm (UTC)And don’t apologise, you’ve understood nearly everything (and what you didn’t is specific to the character/situation).
Talking woman - Prai
Fixed that :) Wrote it with that awkward phrasing before I understood who Prai was or had given her a name and somehow have just been overlooking it all this time.
I’ll go through the rest of my scene starts too, to see if I’ve done this with others. Much appreciated.
Faen is a gender neutral term for romantic partner. Girlfriend works. Sorry I overlooked defining it for you.
Win & Prai distracting Pool Man: Yes, the more I wrote the better friends they showed themselves to be :D
Closed narrative: Did you like this? I do tend to tight focus on two characters for some types of scenes. It’s just the way I found to write and I like the intimacy it creates. This is the one scene where others might need to be mentioned, but it’s also the one where she’s not going to be paying attention.
I’m not sure how to indicate what’s happening with Prai and Win. Prai will have noticed what’s going on between Ratree and Someone Else, be fully supportive of it and happily giving them space. Probably the best way is a later conversation, rather than intruding here.
Win will be “ignoring” Ratree as he’s taken on the task of keeping Pool Man’s attention from her (backs to her, arm restraining PM from turning around). He’ll know that Prai is keeping an eye on Ratree and approves of whatever’s happening. All of which is interesting and could be shown, but I personally like the tight focus.
But maybe it’s too distracting for others?
There is something else which Ratree isn’t noticing that’s revealed in the next chapter too.
Sensual and connection, both physical and emotional, is what I was aiming for. Like this is going to be more than ordinary sex. But I also want to suggest this in a “less is more” writing style, in keeping with the lightness of his touch and how effective that is for her. That’s the part my first reader missed (you’re only the second person to have read this.)
I really like what you wrote about their personalities synchronising. It’s getting at a subtle undercurrent I hadn’t worked out before I wrote it. (The characters are much smarter about these sorts of things than I am and sometimes they leave me lovely gifts like this. Thank you for pointing this one out.)
I feel conflicted about the innuendo of the final word but I can’t find a way around it. Like it’s ok its there but it doesn’t need to be. “Bpai” is exactly what I want. I wasn’t sure how to end it, thought about how the idea would be expressed in Thai and loved the brevity of “bpai”. To get the meaning in English is clunkier, “Let’s go” reads so differently.
There are a few times when I use Thai for colour but mostly it’s because the word or phrase has nuance which English doesn’t. But of course I need to make it understandable. If I can’t do it with context, then I find a way to incorporate some sort of translation. Maybe it doesn’t work so well here as I also added in descriptors of how she said it, so we understand how she’s responding, and that distances Bpai from the meaning.
“She knows what she wants” YES :D
“enjoyable one night stand” More than enjoyable but also yes :D
And you found it interesting? Yay :D :D :D
Thank you for giving this such good attention. I really do appreciate it and it’s helped me think about different parts of it more clearly.