Thank you so much blue <3 I really appreciate all of this. And don’t apologise, you’ve understood nearly everything (and what you didn’t is specific to the character/situation).
Talking woman - Prai Fixed that :) Wrote it with that awkward phrasing before I understood who Prai was or had given her a name and somehow have just been overlooking it all this time. I’ll go through the rest of my scene starts too, to see if I’ve done this with others. Much appreciated.
Faen is a gender neutral term for romantic partner. Girlfriend works. Sorry I overlooked defining it for you.
Win & Prai distracting Pool Man: Yes, the more I wrote the better friends they showed themselves to be :D
Closed narrative: Did you like this? I do tend to tight focus on two characters for some types of scenes. It’s just the way I found to write and I like the intimacy it creates. This is the one scene where others might need to be mentioned, but it’s also the one where she’s not going to be paying attention.
I’m not sure how to indicate what’s happening with Prai and Win. Prai will have noticed what’s going on between Ratree and Someone Else, be fully supportive of it and happily giving them space. Probably the best way is a later conversation, rather than intruding here.
Win will be “ignoring” Ratree as he’s taken on the task of keeping Pool Man’s attention from her (backs to her, arm restraining PM from turning around). He’ll know that Prai is keeping an eye on Ratree and approves of whatever’s happening. All of which is interesting and could be shown, but I personally like the tight focus.
But maybe it’s too distracting for others?
There is something else which Ratree isn’t noticing that’s revealed in the next chapter too.
Sensual and connection, both physical and emotional, is what I was aiming for. Like this is going to be more than ordinary sex. But I also want to suggest this in a “less is more” writing style, in keeping with the lightness of his touch and how effective that is for her. That’s the part my first reader missed (you’re only the second person to have read this.)
I really like what you wrote about their personalities synchronising. It’s getting at a subtle undercurrent I hadn’t worked out before I wrote it. (The characters are much smarter about these sorts of things than I am and sometimes they leave me lovely gifts like this. Thank you for pointing this one out.)
I feel conflicted about the innuendo of the final word but I can’t find a way around it. Like it’s ok its there but it doesn’t need to be. “Bpai” is exactly what I want. I wasn’t sure how to end it, thought about how the idea would be expressed in Thai and loved the brevity of “bpai”. To get the meaning in English is clunkier, “Let’s go” reads so differently.
There are a few times when I use Thai for colour but mostly it’s because the word or phrase has nuance which English doesn’t. But of course I need to make it understandable. If I can’t do it with context, then I find a way to incorporate some sort of translation. Maybe it doesn’t work so well here as I also added in descriptors of how she said it, so we understand how she’s responding, and that distances Bpai from the meaning.
“She knows what she wants” YES :D “enjoyable one night stand” More than enjoyable but also yes :D And you found it interesting? Yay :D :D :D
Thank you for giving this such good attention. I really do appreciate it and it’s helped me think about different parts of it more clearly.
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Date: 2025-04-01 10:10 pm (UTC)And don’t apologise, you’ve understood nearly everything (and what you didn’t is specific to the character/situation).
Talking woman - Prai
Fixed that :) Wrote it with that awkward phrasing before I understood who Prai was or had given her a name and somehow have just been overlooking it all this time.
I’ll go through the rest of my scene starts too, to see if I’ve done this with others. Much appreciated.
Faen is a gender neutral term for romantic partner. Girlfriend works. Sorry I overlooked defining it for you.
Win & Prai distracting Pool Man: Yes, the more I wrote the better friends they showed themselves to be :D
Closed narrative: Did you like this? I do tend to tight focus on two characters for some types of scenes. It’s just the way I found to write and I like the intimacy it creates. This is the one scene where others might need to be mentioned, but it’s also the one where she’s not going to be paying attention.
I’m not sure how to indicate what’s happening with Prai and Win. Prai will have noticed what’s going on between Ratree and Someone Else, be fully supportive of it and happily giving them space. Probably the best way is a later conversation, rather than intruding here.
Win will be “ignoring” Ratree as he’s taken on the task of keeping Pool Man’s attention from her (backs to her, arm restraining PM from turning around). He’ll know that Prai is keeping an eye on Ratree and approves of whatever’s happening. All of which is interesting and could be shown, but I personally like the tight focus.
But maybe it’s too distracting for others?
There is something else which Ratree isn’t noticing that’s revealed in the next chapter too.
Sensual and connection, both physical and emotional, is what I was aiming for. Like this is going to be more than ordinary sex. But I also want to suggest this in a “less is more” writing style, in keeping with the lightness of his touch and how effective that is for her. That’s the part my first reader missed (you’re only the second person to have read this.)
I really like what you wrote about their personalities synchronising. It’s getting at a subtle undercurrent I hadn’t worked out before I wrote it. (The characters are much smarter about these sorts of things than I am and sometimes they leave me lovely gifts like this. Thank you for pointing this one out.)
I feel conflicted about the innuendo of the final word but I can’t find a way around it. Like it’s ok its there but it doesn’t need to be. “Bpai” is exactly what I want. I wasn’t sure how to end it, thought about how the idea would be expressed in Thai and loved the brevity of “bpai”. To get the meaning in English is clunkier, “Let’s go” reads so differently.
There are a few times when I use Thai for colour but mostly it’s because the word or phrase has nuance which English doesn’t. But of course I need to make it understandable. If I can’t do it with context, then I find a way to incorporate some sort of translation. Maybe it doesn’t work so well here as I also added in descriptors of how she said it, so we understand how she’s responding, and that distances Bpai from the meaning.
“She knows what she wants” YES :D
“enjoyable one night stand” More than enjoyable but also yes :D
And you found it interesting? Yay :D :D :D
Thank you for giving this such good attention. I really do appreciate it and it’s helped me think about different parts of it more clearly.