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5 Nov 2025 06:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elisheva_mfound out that the ex, who i haven't had ANY contact with in over a decade, is continuing to make up absolute shite about me. he's turned a physical limitation i have to cope with because of chronic illness into a problem with my thinking and attitude. it's likely coming from deep insecurities within himself, how he interacts with the world and what he assumes other people think of him.
and of course i'm helpless to do anything about it. i cannot open up contact with him again (which might be what he's after) and i am just not going to put the person who mentioned it to me in his firing line because the real me isn't like that and never has been. the person, who i also hadn't seen in years and probably won't again for many more, believed the yarn he's spinning about me. probably still does, regardless of what i said.
i'm frustrated with that person as well. and i know i'm giving him far more benefit of the doubt and understanding than he'll ever give me. and why would he? the real me isn't part of his life but the ex's alt version, who's become this personification of things he thinks people think about him, has more reality in their conversations than i'll ever have. his friendship with the ex is what's real to him, so the ex's imagined version of me is too. believing my ex strengthens their bond, believing me would open him up to questions about his friend's patterns and versions of things.
even when there's something as obvious as the ex claiming he never thinks about me but is talking about me with this person??? the real me is out of his life for good but this messed up alt version still lives in his mind. like just let it go. but the alt version is useful to him so it stays.
at least i was able to avoid letting on that i've moved and where i'm living now. the only person who might have given that away died of covid four years ago, this week even. i miss her. so at least i'm still physically safe even if all of this is in my own head again.
for whatever reasons from deep in my childhood i have this need, which at least some deem rather unreasonable, to be seen and understood accurately (criticise me all you want, but understand what i am actually saying first and make the criticisms relevant to my actual positions, values and behaviours) even as they want to be seen and understood accurately themselves. the ex certainly does. it is absolutely mandatory that he be understood and it was always incumbent on me to do so. which i was better than average at, even before short form social media and the stress of the world broke our attention spans and ability to listen and lowered the bar below ground on that.
but it was never enough. and hearing me? why would he do that? my role in his life was always to make him feel better about himself. as long as i was doing that directly, i was useful to him. but being my own person, with my own reality, that just got in his way. his pattern of making up shite about me and putting me down to elevate himself was already well-established by the time i succeeded in breaking off contact.
it's like poorly written fan fic from someone who didn't understand the characters but uses their names anyway. though there they could just recognise they're writing original fiction and take ownership and pride in that, while the ex needs to believe that his alt version of me is real, it's part of the structure his subconscious uses to protect himself from aspects of the world i have nothing to do with. his subconscious will always sacrifice the women in his life to protect itself.
it's out of my control, which is its own difficulty to cope with. the alt-version which has only ever existed in his head has far greater reality, and use, to him than the real me ever did. he won't change, so all i can do is try to forget what he does.
and of course i'm helpless to do anything about it. i cannot open up contact with him again (which might be what he's after) and i am just not going to put the person who mentioned it to me in his firing line because the real me isn't like that and never has been. the person, who i also hadn't seen in years and probably won't again for many more, believed the yarn he's spinning about me. probably still does, regardless of what i said.
i'm frustrated with that person as well. and i know i'm giving him far more benefit of the doubt and understanding than he'll ever give me. and why would he? the real me isn't part of his life but the ex's alt version, who's become this personification of things he thinks people think about him, has more reality in their conversations than i'll ever have. his friendship with the ex is what's real to him, so the ex's imagined version of me is too. believing my ex strengthens their bond, believing me would open him up to questions about his friend's patterns and versions of things.
even when there's something as obvious as the ex claiming he never thinks about me but is talking about me with this person??? the real me is out of his life for good but this messed up alt version still lives in his mind. like just let it go. but the alt version is useful to him so it stays.
at least i was able to avoid letting on that i've moved and where i'm living now. the only person who might have given that away died of covid four years ago, this week even. i miss her. so at least i'm still physically safe even if all of this is in my own head again.
for whatever reasons from deep in my childhood i have this need, which at least some deem rather unreasonable, to be seen and understood accurately (criticise me all you want, but understand what i am actually saying first and make the criticisms relevant to my actual positions, values and behaviours) even as they want to be seen and understood accurately themselves. the ex certainly does. it is absolutely mandatory that he be understood and it was always incumbent on me to do so. which i was better than average at, even before short form social media and the stress of the world broke our attention spans and ability to listen and lowered the bar below ground on that.
but it was never enough. and hearing me? why would he do that? my role in his life was always to make him feel better about himself. as long as i was doing that directly, i was useful to him. but being my own person, with my own reality, that just got in his way. his pattern of making up shite about me and putting me down to elevate himself was already well-established by the time i succeeded in breaking off contact.
it's like poorly written fan fic from someone who didn't understand the characters but uses their names anyway. though there they could just recognise they're writing original fiction and take ownership and pride in that, while the ex needs to believe that his alt version of me is real, it's part of the structure his subconscious uses to protect himself from aspects of the world i have nothing to do with. his subconscious will always sacrifice the women in his life to protect itself.
it's out of my control, which is its own difficulty to cope with. the alt-version which has only ever existed in his head has far greater reality, and use, to him than the real me ever did. he won't change, so all i can do is try to forget what he does.
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Date: 2025-11-05 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-12-06 08:53 pm (UTC)