(no subject)
6 Sep 2025 11:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elisheva_mStill trying to understand why it's acceptable for some to talk about their difficulties, enough that they will be supported and understood, but not for me. Working hypotheses include how relatable those problems are and how much entertainment is provided otherwise, especially geared towards their particular interests or is relatable in some other way, like work or family. All fails for me of course. Just the way it is. Sometimes I think about trying to invent an online persona which will be more acceptable but that will only emphasise the ways in which my life isn't worth the bother for anyone.
My uses in this world are to be of service to others, which I am barely able to do any more, and to serve as a punching bag for whatever they're upset about that they can hang on me. A core component of who I am is very much hated these days, for all it's framed as something else. In the world of identity politics, all of mine require me to be silent, or invisible, or erase my own knowledge, study and lived experience and only say what they want me to say. Their emotions and emotional reactions will always take priority over anything I might contribute. That's the world we've made for ourselves.
Seem to have abandoned short form social media for good. The shifts in attention it requires are beyond my capabilities now. It's also debilitating knowing how deep subconscious cultural prejudices run, even if I don't actively see them. The neighbour who talks to me when she's outside has fucked up her knee badly and needs to not be outside making it worse. Months of rest it will need and she won't rest if she can see something which 'needs' to be done. So now I'm trying to keep up with her gardening on my own. I don't have the energy myself but it's my only hope that I'll have someone to talk with next summer. Autumn is starting early here in more ways that one.
My only use to the other neighbours is as an audience, and perhaps as someone to invent stories to gossip about behind my back, they're not paying enough attention to know anything. I might be slow, but I do get the message eventually and it's hard to ignore it when someone outright blanks me mid-sentence. Even when I'm talking about something they're interested in. Not much I can do there except erase myself and watch for opportunities to help. One was very kind in praising me for the help I gave her when she fell. Still didn't let me say more than a few words, but it was something. Anyway, it's a lonely time, which is probably why I'm bothering the bandwidth here again. Those who might see this, just join the rest in unfollowing me. I can't be entertaining in the ways you need, or offer relatable, fixable problems. It's just how it is.
May this be over soon.
My uses in this world are to be of service to others, which I am barely able to do any more, and to serve as a punching bag for whatever they're upset about that they can hang on me. A core component of who I am is very much hated these days, for all it's framed as something else. In the world of identity politics, all of mine require me to be silent, or invisible, or erase my own knowledge, study and lived experience and only say what they want me to say. Their emotions and emotional reactions will always take priority over anything I might contribute. That's the world we've made for ourselves.
Seem to have abandoned short form social media for good. The shifts in attention it requires are beyond my capabilities now. It's also debilitating knowing how deep subconscious cultural prejudices run, even if I don't actively see them. The neighbour who talks to me when she's outside has fucked up her knee badly and needs to not be outside making it worse. Months of rest it will need and she won't rest if she can see something which 'needs' to be done. So now I'm trying to keep up with her gardening on my own. I don't have the energy myself but it's my only hope that I'll have someone to talk with next summer. Autumn is starting early here in more ways that one.
My only use to the other neighbours is as an audience, and perhaps as someone to invent stories to gossip about behind my back, they're not paying enough attention to know anything. I might be slow, but I do get the message eventually and it's hard to ignore it when someone outright blanks me mid-sentence. Even when I'm talking about something they're interested in. Not much I can do there except erase myself and watch for opportunities to help. One was very kind in praising me for the help I gave her when she fell. Still didn't let me say more than a few words, but it was something. Anyway, it's a lonely time, which is probably why I'm bothering the bandwidth here again. Those who might see this, just join the rest in unfollowing me. I can't be entertaining in the ways you need, or offer relatable, fixable problems. It's just how it is.
May this be over soon.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-06 01:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-09-06 06:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-09-19 01:56 pm (UTC)good luck with everything