weeds in the pavement
5 Oct 2025 12:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elisheva_mthe best i can hope for is to slip into the small cracks in people’s lives, like a weed in the pavement. this is all i deserve, it’s been made clear to me time and again. whether in words or in silences. even if i have been slow to truly learn and accept this. i get it now. deep in my bones and my soul. i get it.
no one likes to say that though, so everyone is certain someone else will do it. some hypothetical other who lives only in their imaginations, and only for the brief time it serves them. lovers have done this as they're walking out the door, momentarily convincing themselves someone else will love me even though they can't. one layer of support worker referring me on to another, until i fall through the cracks of remit specifications. i'm alright in the areas they measure so i'm an easy one to move out of the service in March, when they need to numbers to show they've helped some, numbers to secure their funding for another year. the ways in which i'm struggling are irrelevant, not in their remit, invisible, easy to ignore. people who i thought were friends. how very foolish of me.
it comforts them in that moment until i disappear and that's what matters. the hypothetical me who lives only in their imaginations being loved or supported or befriended by some hypothetical other who will never exist. who am i to say they're wrong. their version of me is true to them.
if i'm unable to meet their needs, i'm not worth their time. this is just the way it is. it's the way it's always been.
it's most obvious in the support cycle. when i'm useful as a service user, i can be a service user. when i'm more useful as someone who can be considered to no longer need their help, that's what i become. when i can build up someone else's confidence, say good things about them, help them feel better about themselves. when i listen to them, let them be the focus and keep myself out of their way. when i say *just* enough about myself that they can feel like a good, compassionate person, but only as long as i then take myself out of the way and let the focus return to where it should be, on them and their interests. they need to feel like they've helped and it's my obligation to not get in the way of that.
the imagined me has use to some, as an imagined enemy or a projection of conflicts with family and others they dare not see as an enemy. so they imagine me in ways which suit them and object when i try to clarify that it's not me they're imaginging. this was one of my worst transgressions last year. to say but that's not me. this is who i am. to ridiculously think misunderstandings could be cleared up and we could get along and share different points of view and learn from each other. how intolerable i am for doing that, worth only ostracisation. their version of me is true to them. i am a tool to be used and discarded, nothing more. this is how it is. i understand my place in the world.
when people are stressed, and we are living in such stressful times, those cracks are so small, a hairsbreath here and there, and subjected to such pressure. why should anyone bother with an old useless woman. everyone is so busy, their lives are what matter.
may this be over soon.
no one likes to say that though, so everyone is certain someone else will do it. some hypothetical other who lives only in their imaginations, and only for the brief time it serves them. lovers have done this as they're walking out the door, momentarily convincing themselves someone else will love me even though they can't. one layer of support worker referring me on to another, until i fall through the cracks of remit specifications. i'm alright in the areas they measure so i'm an easy one to move out of the service in March, when they need to numbers to show they've helped some, numbers to secure their funding for another year. the ways in which i'm struggling are irrelevant, not in their remit, invisible, easy to ignore. people who i thought were friends. how very foolish of me.
it comforts them in that moment until i disappear and that's what matters. the hypothetical me who lives only in their imaginations being loved or supported or befriended by some hypothetical other who will never exist. who am i to say they're wrong. their version of me is true to them.
if i'm unable to meet their needs, i'm not worth their time. this is just the way it is. it's the way it's always been.
it's most obvious in the support cycle. when i'm useful as a service user, i can be a service user. when i'm more useful as someone who can be considered to no longer need their help, that's what i become. when i can build up someone else's confidence, say good things about them, help them feel better about themselves. when i listen to them, let them be the focus and keep myself out of their way. when i say *just* enough about myself that they can feel like a good, compassionate person, but only as long as i then take myself out of the way and let the focus return to where it should be, on them and their interests. they need to feel like they've helped and it's my obligation to not get in the way of that.
the imagined me has use to some, as an imagined enemy or a projection of conflicts with family and others they dare not see as an enemy. so they imagine me in ways which suit them and object when i try to clarify that it's not me they're imaginging. this was one of my worst transgressions last year. to say but that's not me. this is who i am. to ridiculously think misunderstandings could be cleared up and we could get along and share different points of view and learn from each other. how intolerable i am for doing that, worth only ostracisation. their version of me is true to them. i am a tool to be used and discarded, nothing more. this is how it is. i understand my place in the world.
when people are stressed, and we are living in such stressful times, those cracks are so small, a hairsbreath here and there, and subjected to such pressure. why should anyone bother with an old useless woman. everyone is so busy, their lives are what matter.
may this be over soon.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-05 05:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-27 09:55 am (UTC)i hope things improve for you as well