(no subject)

[elisheva_m]

have given up trying to find a place to talk about Thai series with other English-speakers, made my own but it's not reasonable to expect anyone to find it.... had to leave the space where i could talk about BL because there's so much love for abusive characters and relationships, and willingness to excuse it all. someone starting a relationship or staying with an abusive partner is not a happy ending and the trope of being the one to change an abusive partner is an incredibly dangerous lie with real life consequences for women and when i try to talk about this, the BL crowd doesn't want to know. they're happy to ignore what i've said and pretend it's nothing more than my personal trigger.

this site has been lonely for me too. i haven't been able to find anyone i click with. one person i share a nominal interest with but we approach it so differently and she's just repeats herself as if i didn't understand her point of view so it's not like we can use these different points of view for a conversation. sometimes it's a place to shout into the void, to get things out of my head without hammering home my isolation the way a physical journal does. tricky how minds work, we're not evolved for these kinds of spaces so i can use that, even when i know it will never be read by anyone other than myself.

i opened the account because i liked a daft story i was writing enough i wanted to share it with someone and sending a blog link is easy. she's the only one who's read it. i sent the link to carefully chosen others, sometimes because it fits with things they're interested in, and they were seeking out things to read. sometimes because they offered ideas or information for bits of it. that was back when it was less than 7000 words. it wouldn't have taken much time.

writing is like love. when you're immersed in it you find its quirks endearing. and maybe by the time things change, there's something worth keeping. no one's ever found my good points worth the bother of my shite health or thought i was worth keeping except in some vague someone else will do it abstract kind of way. circumstances forced me to lose immersion in the world i imagined and now i see that what i've written is only worth keeping because i don't have the energy to grieve deleting it.

real life is lonely. just getting myself anywhere takes so much of my energy i don't have enough left to be social, let alone make friends. i don't fit in with my neighbours, their politics or their gossip. they always leave it to me to seek them out too. even though they know i'm ill and know i have no one. or maybe that's why.

i'm taking more and more breaks from the only social media i have left. it's depleting to care over and over again about things in other people's lives and receive little in return. my life just isn't interesting enough to earn much attention so i'm reliant on the kindness behind three social media friendships which aren't strong enough to bear that weight.

this isn't depression. i've been there and understand what that's like. this is an acknowledgement of impossible circumstances in a world where everyone is caught up in their own struggles and too stressed to take care of more than their own already established circles. i have to find a way to make it through the rest of my life. at some point i'll decline enough i qualify for 20 minutes of care a day. i am so exhausted.

Comments

[corvidology]

I've just subscribed to you. I chatter away about what ever nonsense catches my eye and some RL frustrations and... feel free to subscribe and chatter back or not if you're interested. I have zero response/interaction requirements of people in my circle if you want to 'circle.' ;D My circle is a very friendly, liberal, easy going bunch of people and the only thing I require from them is they be polite to each other on my journal just like I'd require it in my physical home.

I'm responding here cos I wanted to engage in the problematic BL conversation. This is the link to my review of Tharn Type a much lauded Thai BL that I find problematic as hell. You don't have to read it and you certainly don't have to respond.

I'm not a fan of romances in general because I find so many of the relationships in them problematic - the old romance novels where the male lead character corners the woman against a wall and then she realizes she loves it *rolls eyes* - so I don't cut BL any slack either. I recognize this is fantasy for some people, I'm very much YKINMKATO, but personally I don't find it romantic.

It's why I'm more drawn to the 'sweet' end of Thai BLs or ones like Moonlight Chicken or A Tale of Thousand Stars or the ones that are really mysteries with an underlying BL romance (Manner of Death) or supernatural with an underlying BL romance (Dear Doctor I'm Coming for Soul) than the ones with huge power imbalances or very 'traditional' Seme/Uke roles... Again, it's fine with me if someone else enjoys it but it's not for me. I tend to favour Japanese BLs like Old Fashion Cupcake or Cherry Magic where the relationships are balanced.

See, I chatter.